Chapter 2 – FreedomCon

People say I’m just a pretty face, but they’re wrong: I’ve also got strong opinions on God, my family, and stopping the takeover of my country by an ill-defined threat from outside our borders. 

Plus, I’ve got a pretty face!

People say I look like every other Blonde Woman in conservative media, but you know what? A lot of those women aren’t even real blondes, and their hair colour comes out of a bottle. And I may not be a natural blonde either, but my hair dye is very expensive!

I’d just finished giving a talk at FreedomCon, and it’d gone really well! It was called “A Strong Conservative Woman: How to Be One!” and a bunch of people showed up to listen. I got a lot of folks hootin’ and hollerin’ at what I had to say, and I just know it was because of my ideas, and not the super cute skirt I was wearing. 

I told a great joke about Democrats being limp like wet spaghetti that got a huuuge laugh from some truckers. I even saw Ben Shapiro laugh, which made me feel pretty good!

I could tell he respected what I was doing.

After my talk, I headed to the speaker’s room to take a quick break from the crowds. There were a lot of crazy famous people in there with me, y’all: Alex Jones, Lindsay Graham, as much of Charlie Kirk’s big ol’ head as they could fit through the door, and a whole bunch more! I was star-struck. It was crazy. 

There was a nice spread of snacks in the speaker’s room, and to get in, I had to show this really nice security fella with a Stars and Stripes t-shirt my lanyard, which had my name on it. 

I’m ####### ######, from #####. Nice to meet you!

While everybody in the speaker’s room was eating, they were talking about President Trump, the poor thing. I still hadn’t really accepted that he was dead. We were all in shock. 

I kept expecting him to walk through the door, with a glint in his eye and a glisten on his forehead, like nothing had ever happened. I think we were all hoping for something like that, but unfortunately there’s only room in the universe for one messiah at a time, and Jesus ain’t done his business yet!

It’s so sad, y’all.

Some people were talking about how Trump’s death would impact the election, and how it pretty much guaranteed that the Democrats would win, even though they only had Sleepy Joe Biden at the wheel. Biden might be the worst option – and he definitely is! – but if he’s the only option, he’s the one most people will vote for. Tim Pool started saying that Trump’s death would mean that whatever candidate we ended up getting behind would get the sympathy vote and trounce Biden, and get all 538 electoral votes, but Alex Jones, who was eating a piece of cake, threatened to stab him with a fork, but then pulled off the little Beanie Tim always wears, and Tim got so freaked out about people seeing that he was bald that he covered his head with his hands and ran out of the room crying.

Tim, honey, we already knew you were bald. 

Everybody knows!

And people only mention it because you keep pretending you have hair, Tim: if you just admitted it, nobody would talk about it anymore. Nobody would care!

And me? What did I think Trump’s death would do to the election? Well, nobody was asking my opinion, and when I tried to pipe in it seemed like none of the fellas there were able to hear me but in my opinion, Trump’s death would put the Republican institution into disarray, and we’d shoot ourselves in the foot by propping up too many potential candidates and diluting our votes — ensuring a Democrat victory — to say nothing of the well-intentioned dears who would get confused and vote Donald Trump as a write-in, wrongly thinking that it was a touching tribute that would count for the actual Republican candidate.

But to those people, I say: we don’t have a parliamentary system like Canada, y’all! That’s not how our system works!

After a while, Ben Shapiro came into the speaker’s room, and he joined in with all the speculating. The conversation shifted a bit to be about how Trump died. Most everyone in the room figured he was killed, but the question was: who did it, and why? 

A bunch of folks assumed it was Biden, but some thought it was Obama, or that it was Hillary’s revenge for exposing her to the world as a fraud, or Rachel Maddow, because she’s a lesbian.

Some folks thought it was Putin, or President Xi or, well, basically anyone who could do it was a suspect, as far as this group was concerned. Everyone in the world had murder in their eyes, apparently!

After a while, Alex Jones stood up, looking like a ripe cherry — his face just gets so darned red when he gets upset, y’all! — and shouted about how something had to be done, that the Reptillian overlords can’t be allowed to get away with this, and that we couldn’t wait for the police forces to complete their investigations. 

“They’re in the pocket of the Deep State! WAKE UP!” He yelled. 

“So what are you saying, Alex?” Ben Shapiro asked. 

“I’m saying we need to figure out what happened to Trump, and fast!” Jones yelled.

“You think we can figure it out before the authorities do?” Shapiro asked.

“Does spring water turn the friggin frogs gay?!” Alex Jones asked, and I have to confess, folks, it took me a minute to remember what that even meant. I was pretty sure he meant to say yes, but you can never be sure what the conversation is when the conversation is with Alex Jones. 

Just then, Elon Musk stepped into the room with a strange looking hat on his head, and said: “I can solve this mystery before I finish my lunch of three bologna sandwiches, because unlike the rest of you, I’m not a DEI hire.” Then laughed at his own joke, while the room was otherwise dead silent.

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