So obviously this is an Earth-shaking development: this is the first time that an American presidential candidate has died during an election. It’s never happened before. We’re in uncharted territory here, because while there are federal guidelines that were set up in 1933 to help deal with the death of a presidential candidate, those were broadly intended for a candidate who was elected president, but subsequently dies before their inauguration.
This is a different situation.
One vice presidential candidate has died during an election, but — no disrespect to vice presidents, who hold the very important role in our system of just sitting around, you know, kissing flags and saluting babies, waiting for a tie to break out in the Senate — a vice presidential death pales in the face of a dead presidential candidate.
So what are we talking about, here?
Well, for one, Trump died before election day, so he wasn’t officially elected. I’m sure he would have won if he’d lived long enough, and if we were in a country like North Korea his death wouldn’t be an impediment to being elected, but now we’re looking forward to four more years of someone who only looks dead sitting in the Oval Office. But he already officially secured the nomination from the Republican Party, so we’ve got to scramble to find a replacement. Do we go with his vice presidential pick and promote them? That’s one idea, but Trump hadn’t decided on who that would be, so I’m guessing that would be like a bunch of greedy kids fighting over their parents estate after they died without a will.
So, likely what will happen is that we’re looking at an incredibly abbreviated new primary season for the GOP. Again, ground-breaking, virgin territory, because even once Nikki Haley or Vivek Rhymes With Cake or whoever re-announces their candidacy and wins the nomination, they’ll be absolutely screwed regarding the ballots, because they won’t be on them. And here I’m talking about the actual physical ballots: electronic systems are one thing, but we’ve got a pretty messed up system, and some states, if you believe it, still think paper ballots are a good idea. That’s stupid, but that’s currently the law. And there are rules about when those have to be printed by. The new candidate will file legal appeals because of this historic set of circumstances, but who knows if we’ll be lucky enough to get a good judge, one who believes in fairness, okay, or if we’ll get some left-wing looney who wants to stick it to the GOP and ensure sleepy Joe’s second term.
So, this is going to be a disaster.
But perhaps even more important than what happens to the presidential race is: what happened to Donald Trump? How did he die? The investigation is underway now, and it’ll be a top priority for basically, uhh, everyone, but if they’re going to do it right — and they must, they really cannot afford to rush through this in any conceivable way — it’ll take months to find out what happened. Best case is that we’re looking at six weeks before they’re willing to even announce the results of the autopsy to find out if it was from natural causes.
But come on.
Come on.
It is inconceivable that Trump just woke up one morning and decided to drop dead, okay? It is painfully obvious to me — and to all right-thinking people — that he was murdered. It’s just got to be a fact, okay? Someone or some group of people took it upon themselves to murder the front-runner to the American Presidency. I think this will go down as only the fifth assassination of a president in America’s history, because even if he wasn’t actively the President at the time of his death, he was killed — obviously, transparently — because of his Presidency, both in terms of how idiots viewed his first term and how they feared his second term, and the “President” honorific doesn’t go away when you leave the office. He is always and forever President Donald J. Trump. These are just facts.
When I said a minute ago that the investigation has to be done perfectly? One reason why that’s the case is if they don’t have all their ducks in a row, it’s entirely possible that we could end up with a murderer in the Oval Office. Just let that sink in, okay? Let’s say, if Joe Biden killed Trump and that doesn’t come out until after election day, Sleepy Joe could squash any investigations into him and his heinous wrong-doing and we’ll never know.
He could even pardon himself for any charges that might get laid over the next few months!
We’ve never had to seriously consider anything like that happening before, in the history of this country.
But what if you’re some freedom-hating woke-scold who thinks that Trump just died of natural causes? Let’s say that’s possible, okay? Then, what? Which natural causes? Be specific. Let’s say he had a heart attack. Let’s just say that. If so, why was his body found in such a humiliating state, with his pants around his ankles, in the middle of the lobby at Mar-a-Lago? Or let’s say he had an aneurism: same question, okay? It can’t be any long-term illness, because he was an extraordinarily healthy individual, as you could tell just by looking at him and his sweet, sweet pecs, but also because he got regular health check-ups for years — for the four years he was president he had a doctor following him around, constantly examining him — and we’d have heard if he had some sort of fatal illness. We would have been warned. So that leaves us with sudden, acute events and I can tell you — my wife is a doctor, so I’m an expert — there aren’t that many sudden, acute events a person can die from that count as natural causes, okay?
So, yeah, it was murder: he didn’t just fall off his golden toilet trying to reach a bucket of KFC and smacked his head, then became confused and crawled out of his bathroom on his hands and knees holding onto a bucket of greasy chicken with his teeth while blood streamed down from his forehead, with his unwiped ass stuck up in the air like a monkey in estrus, until he finally ran out of blood and collapsed on an expensive rug by the priority check-in line, okay? Don’t be ridiculous.
This was a murder. An American president was murdered, likely by the current president, and I will stake my entire professional reputation on that position. No, not a position: that fact.
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